Getting Funky With It

Lately I have been in the biggest funk. I posted an entry about depression, my depression more specifically, and I loved the response I received from it. So much positivity and love, which is something that everyone needs. It really helped my heart and it was beautiful. 

The truth is, I have struggled with depression for a long time. Quietly of course, never bothering anyone with it. Dance was an amazing outlet, when I had the extra time. Then I met my husband. He saw through my facade that was so strong and built up. No one else saw through it, only him. I am so thankful that he did because without that, I would never have been able to begin my process to recovery. 

This is an uphill battle, I still have my funks. I call it “Getting Funky,” it really does help me get through it without losing too much of my progress. If I can think of my funks in a funny way I can usually bounce back from them much faster. It took me a while to see it this way. My husband, Ray, was an essential puzzle piece to finding the humor in everything. He always makes me laugh, even when it is the last thing that I want to do. He is always going out of his way to make me smile. So, i figured, if he is always trying to make me laugh when I am in my funk, why can’t I do the same thing? 

The answer, I quickly found out, is because I take my depression too seriously. Once I realized that, I realized what I could do to turn it around in my worst times. 

Step One: 

I am a planner. I like to plan everything, make lists for everything, and I enjoy routines. Ever since my depression first set in, I have gone in and out of planning phases. The one thing I really realized was that the busier my schedule is for me to look at the more calm and accomplished I feel. I will also write in Pink or Glitter when my funky days were. This really helps me to see if there is ever a pattern or length of time when I am in them. Not only does it help me learn to deal with them, it also helps me stay calm and not let my anxiety get the best of me when I cannot remember periods of time…due to my funks. (yes, that actually happens to me). 

Step Two: 

Set Goals. I have started setting myself small goals. Every week for now, but I want to work up to everyday goals. Things I can hit everyday. Small things like writing 2 blog posts a week, working out at least 30 minutes 4 times a week, or cleaning my house every Sunday. Things that I can feel accomplished about every time I finish one of them. That accomplished feel, I have found, keeps me going toward my other goals. 

Step Three: 

Cut out the negativity in your life. This is a huge one! I have so much negativity surrounding me, either in social media, work, or just my everyday life. I have started to weed it out. Ray and I moved to New Mexico with my father, we lived with him for the last year and a half in order to help make the transition smoother. All it ended up doing was making my depression worse. All the strides I had made before we moved were erased very quickly and replaced with fear, stress, and laziness. I never wanted to do anything, no creativity, no drive or motivation, I barely wanted Ray around me. All because of my dad. He is old, set in his ways, and frankly, a jackass. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. He was more than a little girl could ask for in a father. However, as an adult, he is unyielding in his opinions. He does not listen to others who blatantly know more than him about certain subjects. We had no privacy that a husband an wife should have, he tried sticking his nose where it did not belong constantly. Trying to “tell on” my husband for things I knew about before he ever did. My first step to weed out negativity was to move out of the house we shared with my dad. We need our own space, it is as simple as that. After many upsets (which did not help my stress levels) and many places not accepting pets ( i mean, come on) we finally found our space. I can tell you this, after one week here I am more motivated, happier and have not had a funky day all week. That is significant. My next step is to weed out the negativity on my social medias. Too many people are so negative all the time for such insignificant reasons that all I want to do is share my story with them and see how they feel afterwards. Then I think to myself, they are not my problem, their problems are not my problem, and all I need to do is delete them so I no longer have to look at it. I need positivity and light around me. Without it, I will never move past my depression. 

So, now I get funky with my depression. I write out my funky days, I set goals for me to reach and feel proud of, and I remove the negativity from my life where I can. It helps me feel more in control of a disorder that is uncontrollable. 

That Silent Leech

I understand depression, i live through it everyday. Even when I smile, even when I crack a joke, even when I try to become your friend only to have you dismiss people so easily as if friendship is the furthest thing from your mind, I am still depressed. Yes, even though I am married and even though I have a beautiful dog and cat that I love like children. Depression isn’t discriminatory. It isn’t like “oh she has a healthy relationship and is building a life, let’s leave her alone.” 

Yes, I am giving depression a consciousness because having to live with depression everyday really makes it feel like it has it’s own consciousness. 
I get into these states where I hate the world and I would like nothing more than to lay in bed and read or watch netflix. I cannot stand myself when I am like that but also, I can’t convince myself to do anything at all. 

Depression, I think, goes through it’s own depressive state and that is why some times of my life are worse than others. When I am bright and bubbly and active my depression has decided to take an off day, vacation to aruba, whatever. Having spent so much of the last 5 years just depressed, I am not too sure what could bring me out of it. I understand wanting to come out of it but the crappy thing about depression is it will always decide to throw a fit when you finally start feeling human again and no longer under it's thumb. That thumb is brutal, it takes everything from you and makes you hate your existence. Like today for example, as we speak I am writing this at work, still working when a call comes in, but really hating everything i am doing. I am not even enjoying candy!! If you know me, you know that is pretty abnormal. I ate food on my break but i don’t even remember what it was. I know it wasn’t the lunch i brought. I can’t even tell you the conversation i just had about 5 minutes ago. I’m on auto pilot and i have no idea why. I don’t remember the drive to work, i was in such a fog. I keep forgetting about everything and i hate it. I can’t remember anything. 

Depression, unfortunately, is a very lonely state. It latches onto a person and sucks them dry. All of the sudden this leech takes over your thoughts, actions, moods, and choices. I know they always say blaming your depression makes you weak. Does blaming a parasite for your weightloss and/or debilitating disease make you weak too? Are you expected to fight through it without any type of help? No, yet with depression you are constantly put down like you have some defective brain when it is actually this gorgeous, succulent, shiny (insert favorite color here) leech that wants you to lay in bed all day and think about every bad or horrible thing that has happened to you or that you have done to others. 

I can see why JK Rowling chose the disgusting, decaying Dementors for her representation of depression in the books. Towards what Harry believed to be “the end” of his life, Rowling writes that he didn’t have the power to resist the dementors. That is how i feel today, no, not at the end of my life, but too tired to resist my dementors. Though, right now i would give anything for the cold they provide…it is so hot in my office! 

Talking to my husband is one of the only things that helps me start to pull this leech off. For me, I feel that my depression leech is neon pink, and leeched onto my heart. When i have days like this my heart hurts all day and it leaps when i talk to Ray. Then i get the urge to cry when we hang up and that corner of the leech that talking to Ray had peeled up snaps right back down and laches on once more. 

I thank God daily for giving me another chance to live my life and apologize to him and myself for wasting my other days with depression. My husband, Ray, is the biggest blessing. He is constantly making sure that I get out of bed and that I am able to be active and occupied so as to not fall into a deeper state of leeched on unhappiness. 

Lately, I have found it easier and easier to get up and get going. Not dwelling on things and just getting out of bed are things I can actually accomplish. 

I know this post is a little different from my normal fun-loving, joking side, but I had to get my feelings out and hopefully someone will read this, relate to it, and know that their depression leech, no matter the color, size, or location of it, will loosen it's grip and when it does you need to push yourself to make that day amazing. For one, in order to show yourself that it can be done, and for two, to show your depression who is boss. 

Here Comes the Calm

As much as the first day of the fall semester is an event to love, I have to say that only one thing is just a smidgen better....The SECOND day of school!! Oh how calm everything is, how many people partied too much the night before and now they hate their lives. Or the cute freshmen you think they will take an early class because they have always gotten up early for school before.

The air is still, the streets are deserted, and the financial aid line has receded. It's officially the school season and everyone has quickly realized that this is the real deal. You have assignments due daily in every class, and yet you were sure that you would have time to work, party, socialize and sleep.

Oh no honey! There is time for all of that once that degree is in your hand and you are still forced to work at Wally World because all the good jobs require this mysterious amount of work time in the field....explain to me exactly how I am supposed to gain experience in my field if no one will give me the experience until I have experience working in the field.

...My head is spinning now...

Teachers are now figuring out how to use the online classrooms and students are taking advantage of that. I overheard a couple of the students saying their attendance in the class isn't mandatory because according to the professor all of his lectures will be recorded and uploaded right after their class time.

WHAT?

Talk about feeding the laziness of the young!! Technology is a great tool and resource for college but I don't believe it should take the place of the classroom completely. Even in the instance of online classes, being able to meet with your professor face to face will never (well, should never) get old.

I do have to say that I enjoy online classes much more than face to face classes but it mostly because group work is optional and I cannot stand working in groups. I wish it were cooler outside right now because I would love to be sitting out there in the new found quiet of the campus. That is, until the stragglers wake up and start their midday classes.

Oh lord help us all around noon!! 

The School Year Has Begun

I love this time of year. 

Everyone is so excited, walking around with brand new back packs, notebooks, personalized binders and planners and they all have the same mindset, "This semester will be different." 

It never is. 

Well, it is for about 2 weeks. You use your planner daily, you are on top of all your reading and research, homework and papers. Then, the beginning of that third week hits you hard.

**SMACK**

Your social life takes off, maybe your job gets in the way, and your carefully planned, highly improbable study schedule gets shoved to the bottom of your brand new backpack, only to be seen 12 weeks later while you are getting ready for your finals. 

My favorite part of all of this? The social media frenzy, school is everywhere. Every one is talking about their new classes, how much they have been looking forward to getting to this point in their school careers. I just sit back and scroll down, it's coming, I know it is. I know some people get tired of the post or exasperated at the volume of people actually enjoying school. Just wait, give it 3 weeks and watch the happiness change to resenting sadness. They took too many classes, their professor isn't fair, they hate their morning classes, or, and this is my personal favorite, the system is against them. 

I happen to be a student and trust me when i say, there has never been one student that is prepared for everything they will face in their college careers. Some are more prepared than others but college likes to throw you curve balls. Like an email on the first day of classes at 8:45am from a professor you have never heard of telling you that you have class at 9:30am and it is not an online class like it says on your schedule. Once you rush down to the building, you find out that professor was given the wrong roster and teaches a class you wouldn't have signed up for even if it was required. 

On campus 2 hours early and already irritable from not getting a proper breakfast, you stumble into the dining hall and see that there is barely any food to eat because they are transitioning from breakfast to lunch food. Can it get any worse? 

Oh yes, there is the little fact that your first class is WHERE?? This campus map is useless and it is already 95 degrees outside. You are sweating profusely by the time you find one of those cute tents with snacks that tell you where your class is. You find out you have been standing in front of the very building your class is being held in, you swear under your breath, then find your way to your classroom. Which is always planted in some obscure corner with the room number hidden behind a paper for a class that couldn't be further from your major course of study. 

I will always love the first day of class. It lets me know if I am going to enjoy this time with my professor or if I will loath them entirely throughout the whole semester, requiring me to discipline myself and stick with the class for fear of having to pay back the money the government has already given me for the class, which I have already spent on my new car, which I can't even drive to school because a parking pass will cripple me for a month (all my money went to my car, you see). 

Who else hates group work or the prospect of group work? Hands up homes you're not alone. If there was a way for me to get out of group work but still do the exact same assignment, I would take it every time. Unfortunately, a professor's favorite reasoning for this is, "Group work prepares you for the workforce life after school. Team work or group work is very important in most social and profession settings...blah, blah, blah." 

PLEASE! I want to start a small business, by definition I don't want to work in a team. Though I can see how team work promotes networking, which is essential when building a small business from the ground up. Still, at least let me choose my group, instead of sticking your top performing student with mindless drones who can't complete an assignment to save their lives. I end up doing all of the work anyway and they get the best grade of their whole college careers. 

I do have to say, sitting here watching the wide-eyed freshmen, the tenured others, and the brand new transfers go through their first day with their perfect new folders, pens, and back packs is the most fun that I have had in a while. Hehehehe....they have no clue what they are in for... ;)