I understand depression, i live through it everyday. Even when I smile, even when I crack a joke, even when I try to become your friend only to have you dismiss people so easily as if friendship is the furthest thing from your mind, I am still depressed. Yes, even though I am married and even though I have a beautiful dog and cat that I love like children. Depression isn’t discriminatory. It isn’t like “oh she has a healthy relationship and is building a life, let’s leave her alone.”
Yes, I am giving depression a consciousness because having to live with depression everyday really makes it feel like it has it’s own consciousness.
I get into these states where I hate the world and I would like nothing more than to lay in bed and read or watch netflix. I cannot stand myself when I am like that but also, I can’t convince myself to do anything at all.
Depression, I think, goes through it’s own depressive state and that is why some times of my life are worse than others. When I am bright and bubbly and active my depression has decided to take an off day, vacation to aruba, whatever. Having spent so much of the last 5 years just depressed, I am not too sure what could bring me out of it. I understand wanting to come out of it but the crappy thing about depression is it will always decide to throw a fit when you finally start feeling human again and no longer under it's thumb. That thumb is brutal, it takes everything from you and makes you hate your existence. Like today for example, as we speak I am writing this at work, still working when a call comes in, but really hating everything i am doing. I am not even enjoying candy!! If you know me, you know that is pretty abnormal. I ate food on my break but i don’t even remember what it was. I know it wasn’t the lunch i brought. I can’t even tell you the conversation i just had about 5 minutes ago. I’m on auto pilot and i have no idea why. I don’t remember the drive to work, i was in such a fog. I keep forgetting about everything and i hate it. I can’t remember anything.
Depression, unfortunately, is a very lonely state. It latches onto a person and sucks them dry. All of the sudden this leech takes over your thoughts, actions, moods, and choices. I know they always say blaming your depression makes you weak. Does blaming a parasite for your weightloss and/or debilitating disease make you weak too? Are you expected to fight through it without any type of help? No, yet with depression you are constantly put down like you have some defective brain when it is actually this gorgeous, succulent, shiny (insert favorite color here) leech that wants you to lay in bed all day and think about every bad or horrible thing that has happened to you or that you have done to others.
I can see why JK Rowling chose the disgusting, decaying Dementors for her representation of depression in the books. Towards what Harry believed to be “the end” of his life, Rowling writes that he didn’t have the power to resist the dementors. That is how i feel today, no, not at the end of my life, but too tired to resist my dementors. Though, right now i would give anything for the cold they provide…it is so hot in my office!
Talking to my husband is one of the only things that helps me start to pull this leech off. For me, I feel that my depression leech is neon pink, and leeched onto my heart. When i have days like this my heart hurts all day and it leaps when i talk to Ray. Then i get the urge to cry when we hang up and that corner of the leech that talking to Ray had peeled up snaps right back down and laches on once more.
I thank God daily for giving me another chance to live my life and apologize to him and myself for wasting my other days with depression. My husband, Ray, is the biggest blessing. He is constantly making sure that I get out of bed and that I am able to be active and occupied so as to not fall into a deeper state of leeched on unhappiness.
Lately, I have found it easier and easier to get up and get going. Not dwelling on things and just getting out of bed are things I can actually accomplish.
I know this post is a little different from my normal fun-loving, joking side, but I had to get my feelings out and hopefully someone will read this, relate to it, and know that their depression leech, no matter the color, size, or location of it, will loosen it's grip and when it does you need to push yourself to make that day amazing. For one, in order to show yourself that it can be done, and for two, to show your depression who is boss.
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